The Mind Of A Moron

The first animated Buried Under Air cartoon is done.

It’s the Axe Effect, WATCH IT

Now send everyone you know there, subscribe to the BUA newsletter.

I hope I can churn out more of these, but getting them animated costs a fairly large amount, so the goal will be to collect a few dollars in donations, maybe a few t-shirts sold, and I’m also looking into licensing it to other sites, or I might just let anyone use it to increase views, we’ll see.

Regardless spread the word and hopefully I can make these animated clips successful, eventually I want to do a 5-10minute animation (this would cost $700-1000 probably), so that’s why I want to make these cartoons viral and self supporting.

Okay, in celebration of me not feeling like doing any real work I’ve got a new cartoon for you. I hope you like it and feedback is always welcome.

So last night I didn’t have enough change for the bus (last night caries another story which I will share some other time, this is just one slice of the night), so I asked if anybody had change for a five sadly, they didn’t. But then it was kinda cool because the people at the stop rallied together and gave me about a buck fifty (actually I have no idea how much but it was between one and two dollars).

At the time I thought nothing of it besides of course being thankful.

This morning it hit me, had I been homeless and asked for money I would have been given the boot, or worse because I think asking for money at the bus stop counts as aggressive panhandling in Vancouver. But I wasn’t homeless I was a (mostly) respectable person who needed some change, the people who gave me the money could identify with my situation, rather than sympathy, they can have empathy, because “we’ve all been there”.

So what can be gathered from this well it’s a lesson in better begging, but first lets analogize.

We’ve all heard of stories where rich people would go and pretend to be homeless and beg for a living well I propose a reversal. Homeless people should pretend to be homefull (I do love the perks of running a dictionary).

Because you see we, or at least I am much more willing to give to someone who is like me. I have been in situations where I didn’t have change or something, lost my wallet maybe, all things we can identify with. Again the keyword, ‘identify’ because I don’t know what it’s like to need drug money, do I’ve had no bus fare and it really means a lot when someone helps me out.

I guess what I’ve just done is describe how to rape the goodwill of society.

So what is my call to action of you, well that depends:

If you want to make a buck, put on a suit, and go asking saying things like “bus fare” or “lost wallet”, and remember bus fare is pretty expensive sometimes you could make 5 dollars in one bus fare run. It’s key not look like a beggar, you must be stressed out, with an “oh no, what am I going to do” look on your face.

If you just want to help out some homeless people that spread the word about this superior begging technique, maybe buy a homeless guy a suit and shower so he can partake.

Site note: this would work really well in high tourism countries, the people begging there could pretend to be tourists who lost there wallet and they would surely net even more.

Okay so here is one that you’re going to read and say “why didn’t I think of that”. Well you’re lucky, I don’t have many readers so you could probably get away with telling all your friends you did.

I figure if they can outsource the call center (you know support lines for companies ect), why can’t I outsource being on hold.

I have come up with two excellent ways of doing this.

The first is that I tell someone in let say India (only chosen cus so many call centers are there) my problem, and my info then they call the support line wait on hold and get the problem fixed once the call goes through.
Benefits

It takes no effort on your part

There would be no problem understanding accents since both the call center person and your ‘on hold guy’ would be from the same area.

It would save you money, well kinda, think what that 1/2 hour+ of your time is really worth, you might as well pay someone else to do it.

The other way of doing this is just outsourcing the actual act of holding, kinda of like paying someone to wait in line for you, and when it’s your turn they notify you and connect you to the other end.

I would love to see this done. If I get particularly bored anytime soon, I will at the very least make it into a parody website.

(sorry for the downtime & recent slowness, hopefully things are better now)

First I am wondering something, is it okay to call it an idea of the day, if I don’t have a new one every day? Should they just be called ideas.

Anyways today I would like to discuss the merits of ‘peanut better bread’. There are a few different ways this could be made and consumed.

The first is to make it similar to garlic bread, where it is a regular bread load with peanut butter put on the inside, so peanut butter stuffed bread. This would be good, but it is not what I see as revolutionary.

I think what we need to do is bake the peanut better into the bread. You know that cheese bread, same deal but peanut butter. Or it could be equated as the peanut butter cookie of bread.

This bread would be best if made slightly sweeter than regular bread, and it would taste excellent toasted or just warm.

Obvious twists on this would be the baking in some jam as well, but I wont dwell on that to much.

So again, be thankful for my generosity, because you have no idea how hard it is for me to share ones was great as this. I will say this one again feels like something there might already be, but I haven’t seen it.

Now for the +

Since we are talking about food, I thought I’d mention how I really wish they sold tomato sauce in a ketchup like squeeze bottle, it would be much easier than pouring it, and would reduce the side drippage.

Okay so this occurred to me in conversation a while ago, and it basically outlines the benefits of twins.

Lets say you have an identical twin, and of course then you would have identical DNA. So it stands to reason that if the two of you team up become assassins you will be all but invincible. You see even if they have indisputable evidence that one of you was involved, they can’t prove between the two of you (one of the twins must make sure to have absolutely no involvement with the assassination) therefore there would be reasonable doubt. That is, they could prove it’s one of you but they can’t look you both up and there is no way to tell the difference.

But it gets better, you see what if you had a twin but lived in another country, think how much easier it would be to immigrate, only one of you needs to get approved, the other simply FedExs the passport back the the home country so twin number two can come over.

Then once you are both here the government will only know one of you exists, so again you become assassins. But whenever twin one (T1) is doing the assassination twin two (T2), makes the alibi.

So for example T1 goes and assassinates someone while T2 gets arrested for peeing in the middle of a shopping mall, or anything else menial, ensures fingerprinting snaring the perfect alibi. After-all what alibi is better than the police.

Note: I do not endorse assassinations, nor do I endorse twins. This is written without the intent of anyone executing it, and is meant in fun spirit. Finally please note that although I say this disclaimer in jest as well, I do mean it -ish.

Okay so this is a spin on the idea of the day concept, because sometimes there are things that aren’t really fresh ideas, but they haven’t been done (as far as I know) or at least are not common place. And you’ve got to wonder why, it’s just a logical step.

So why are there not page buttons on the remote controls for TVs the functionality would cost all of $5 and there could be a button on your TV to make your remote beep (or ring or buzz, your choice). Did the TV companies decide it make too much sense? For as long as people have had couches they have lost remotes, I just don’t understand where that feature has been all these years, it should be built into all TVs.

I did comedy for the Blues For Books charity event at the Yale yesterday. At first I thought I bombed but it wasn’t as bad as I originally thought. The obvious excuse is that everyone was there to listen to the blues musicians (Kenny ‘Blues Boss’ Wane & Garry Preston), who were awesome by the way. But the thing was being on stage with the light in my eyes and a dance floor between me and the audience really reduced the feedback (I couldn’t see or hear them). This freaked me out and my mouth went pasty, and I found myself cutting about 3 minutes of my set. Luckily I had things rehearsed well enough that I didn’t really have to thing as I did it, so I doubt one could tell from my voice how I felt.

My fellow comedians assured me I did fine and after reviewing the tape 9to make sure there was laughter) it was okay (considering the fact that there was comedy wasn’t even on the bill).

All things considered great experience and it was cool to meet some other comedians out there, as I’m yet to really get into the comedy scene.

Well I wrote the tasks I wanted to accomplish today on a sheet of paper, and I sat for about 1/2 hour then drew a thick black line across the title of my list, “today”, and wrote beside it “tomorrow”.

I could have, of course, just not done the tasks I had set myself, but that seems wrong, and it would demotivate me later since I’m not reaching goals.

Now it says “tomorrow” on it, and you’re wondering, “well but it’s still going to say tomorrow, tomorrow, so you’ll never get it done”, but that’s okay. You see when I do actually end up getting these tasks done I will be doing them a day early (since the list says tomorrow).

This is a great way to lift my motivation, with the strike of my pen and simply changing one word, I turned what could have been a demotivating day into a very motivating one. Now whatever I do and whenever I do it, I’m always a day ahead, and that is a pretty damn great feeling.

The show tonight was awesome, it went over well with the crowd, and the coolest part was two previously unknown people to me stopped me on my way out and complimented my stuff as very original. So to them if they read this, “thank you” and please comment so I can give you a formal welcoming it really meant a lot to me. And to them (sorry I forgot your names) subscribe to this blog or newsletter and I will let you know what I do in the future.

I’m using Good Storm for my Buried Under Air shirts I only added a few so far just to see how things go.

It looks like they don’t ship to Canada yet, but I’ll get back to you on that.

So go buy a shirt and make my day, they are only $12 each!

Just a quick note World Domination Plans is over, I just havent been able to keep it up. I have redirected the feed for WPD to this site, The Mind Of A Moron

I will commemorate my attempts at World Domination Plans by showing one of my favorite postings from it. (From August 7th 2004)

Lemonade Stand

It was a hot sunny day, and there I was walking to the bank, when I came across a lemonade stand. Understandably thirsty, I bought a glass, well its was a paper cup. Nothing can be compared to how refreshing it was.

It then came to me if I was willing to pay $1 for some lemonade then others would be too. If I set up some sort of network of stands I could get rich, and even more so If I dump nicotine in the lemonade.

I bet you can guess my next move can’t you?

…I pulled a knife on little Susy and robbed her lemonade stand for an oh so sweet $14

In conclusion stealing is easy, especially from children.

This is an derived for a conversation I had on the buss a while ago, its was the purposefully loud kind that others eavesdrop on then eventually give their input or smirks.

It’s actually two fold, but I believe they are related:

First, what if humans evolved like plants to get energy from the sun:

Well the neat thing here is that we wouldn’t need to eat, we would be solar powered beings, and I guess we would use carbon dioxide and release oxygen too. It would actually create a far superior race. I hope some gene splicer out there is working on this.

Now of course the neat aspects of this are that, the fat people would be the ones who spend too much time outside, in fact I believe that sunscreen would quickly replace diet pills.

(note this conversation worked it’s way into my comedy, so sorry if parts of this are familiar from a few posts down)

And quite frankly I think that would be pretty cool, we also wouldn’t have to farm so lazy people would be happy, and we wouldn’t eat meat so vegans would be happy. Overall the world would be a much better place.

Second, zombies evolved from venus fly traps

Evidence:

Just within those points it’s quite clear that zombies share some genetic relation to venus fly traps.

I therefore believe that just as Bigfoot is the missing link between us the the apes, zombies are the missing link between and the plants.

If we are to one day become solar powered beings zombies will be ones of the key ingredients.

I do like my TV and movies but I have to say it does become a tad bit predictable. After all if you’re watching an hour and a half movie, you know that the hero will survive his first battle. Or that the first suspect in CSI isn’t going to be the criminal because well, they have another 45 minutes of time to fill.

And of course you know I wouldn’t point this out without providing a solution, and here it is, ‘variable timed shows’.

Maybe sometimes I’ll go to the theater watch the newest action flick and Jackie Chan doesn’t successfully jump over the building in scene one, he fall to his death, show over. Now that would shock me.

If they didn’t publish the time then we’d always be on our toes you really wouldn’t be able to predict “is this episode of House MD going to be 7 minutes or 59″. The patient could come in they could try some things but this time there is no breakthrough realization, I mean some people must not make it right. I don’t know what they would do with the extra time on the episodes that happened to be short though. Maybe ads?

I’m going to be performing at a place called the Laughing Bean it’s not the greatest place seating only like 30. Last time I did this place it didn’t go too well (small crowd, some already heard my stuff, just wasn’t into it).

I don’t really expect anyone to come but figured I’d post it up, here are the details:

I¹ll be performing at the Laughing Bean Coffee Co., 2695 E Hastings, 2
blocks west of Renfrew on Friday Jan 13. Showtime is 8:00 pm. Seating
limited, please reserve at 604-251-5282

The Laughing Bean is a smoke-free environment that serves light dinners,
deserts and great coffees!

There is no cover charge, but you have to order a minimum of $3.00 of
coffee/dessert, etc.

Just for your info what I do is probably going to be 40% new the rest out of the mp3 (makes for a longer set with a few things dropped).

It also looks like I’ll have better thing lined up for next week which should be cool I’ll post about it later.

Okay as of that last cartoon I finished my cartoon a day project and met my holiday goal of 10 cartoons (and only with 1h10 to spare before my first class of the new year).

Now just because I’ve done them doesn’t mean in itself that they are good, so I ask this should I demote any of those cartoons to less than bright? Which ones repulse you?

I’m going to get the lessthanbright site going soon maybe next week with a bunch of full cartoons that then got cut as well as sketched ones that where never completed, you will then be able to vote these out of less than bright and I’ll make them into full cartoons.

I guess this is kind of a rip off of my earlier starfish cartoon, I hope it’s different enough to still provide at the very least marginal entertainment.

I always have a really hard time deciding what and what is not funny, especially with the comedy, and now I don’t have those classes as a safe-haven to see what will work so I’m going post a few bits here and I welcome your comments (email, comment below, or just talk to me).

Did you know there are 100’s of different religions out there, at a first glance that little factoid seams pretty neat, but then you’ve got to wonder, 100 Gods, and they are all smiting me, what are the odds. I can’t believe that just statistically I wouldn’t inadvertently being exactly what at least one god wanted and be rewarded for it.

This year I decided that I am going to do some god in the world
Because I’m tired of poverty and famine charities taking over so much valuable TV programing

Diamonds are forever, but your not, so what am I wasting my money on, I want to buy a diamond that lasts a lifetime, now that’s practical.

Chicken are the best example of use it or lose it, I mean they could fly, and they just stopped doing it, what fuckups.
That’s why I don’t eat chicken, any bird that’s to obese to fly can’t be good for you.

the differences just the smallest thing can make in our evolution is astounding, for example, what is a prehistoric beetle took a wrong turn and that lead to humans evolving to get energy from the sun like plants.
-first well, we’d be green,
-and the fat kids would be the ones who spent too much time outside.
-”Timmy, you’re looking a little chubby today, I don’t want you going outside, go to the living room and play xbox,… and shut the blinds…”
-sunscreen would replace diet pills

with something like that I have to say I feel pretty original, but still with like 6billion people out there I have to wonder is there is someone in the world thinking the exact same thing as me right now..
- oh shit he knows my inner most thoughts
- I’ve got to kill him
- oh know now he’s probably trying ti kill me too

Okay well that’s like 1/10th of all the crap I’ve got untested, and a lot of it will be filler I hope to get some help in weeding things out.

That’s right after today there is just one more cartoon and then the cartoon a day project is over. So tomorrow I’ll have to do school and a cartoon, wow my life sure is intense (well no).

I would like to talk about the difference between spears and harpoons and this is shaped mostly as a message or warning so you don’t get injured in the future.

The misconception lies in the fact that many people believe the two weapons are interchangeable they are however not. Spears can only harm land animals and harpoon at only those of the sea.

So for example, throw a spear at a whale, and nothing happens, it bounces right off. Or if you harpoon a bear, even it it sticks in his body it wont hurt, he will look at the harpoon and laugh at you saying “this doesn’t affect me”.

There is still another problem what about hybrid animals, say a seal on the beach, or crabs. Well, it comes down where are they at the moment, the water or on land.

And I think I can tie this all together quick will with this example, if you see a crocodile walking along the road, without a question you would spear it, but if it was in the water and you were hunting it by boat it’s clear that a harpoon would be the only thing to kill it with.