The Mind Of A Moron

Homework or any work really is like a sliver you don’t want to pull out.

You know you’re better off if you pull it our right away, but that doesn’t matter.

“I’ll just leave it there, eventually it will solve itself”, But it didn’t did it?

Now your hand is infected, and it’s twice as hard to get out the blasted sliver. Man am I ever jealous of people who took their slivers out early.

So now it’s a critical decision, to pull out the painful sliver, or just amputate your hand, and fail the course. Sure it’s painful, and I don’t quite know the logistics of growing a new hand, but that would be easier…

note: I’m thinking of starting a text only blog, no videos, pictures, etcetera, just text, this will force me to work on more stories like this…ps. my studies are going well

Bonus: Cannibals. the idea show

Feedback always.

There I was ready to buy my coffee from the cafeteria and the lady at the till chimed in “$2.50 minimum for debit”.

“Oh common the coffee is $2.10″ I uttered under my breath. “Okay I replied.” Frantically I looked around for something to add to my purchase that would push me just over the top. I grabbed the nutrigrain bar, surely it wouldn’t cost much. Well it turn out is was a dollar. Now I was pissed off, it was time to formulate a plan.

I started drinking my black coffee as fast as I could, with the plan to top it back up on my way out (self-serve). I had every intent of getting my money’s worth. To top that off I was going to double cup it and take more creme and sugar (sweetener) than I needed. After all coffee costs them nothing this is where the real cost are. Maybe I’d also just happen to need two stir sticks to stir it.

“Sorry it’s declined again” the cashier said to the girl in front of me in the line.

“Here try this one” the girls said while handing the cashier another card.

After a few seconds the cashier replied “It’s been declined too”

Frustrated the girl picks up her phone to call the bank and find out what’s wrong with her account.

I step up and hand my debit card, but wait, 5-4-3-2-1

The girl chimed in “The bank said all of the systems for debit/credit cards and down in BC”

And them bam! My card got declined too.

So I got a free coffee but to keep it fair I didn’t re-fill it, took no creme or sugar, didn’t take a lid, and certainly didn’t double cup it. So I think it’s okay.

But then again, maybe I didn’t take any of those things because I was in such a rush to get out of there lest they solve the problem.

Best tasting lukewarm-half-full-black-bitter-lidless-coffee ever!

So… That’s how my day was.

I know I said I would stop cross posting, - changed my mind. (but I will start getting more stuff here as well)

YouTube Link | Revver Link

I bought myself a drawing tablet and got around to installing the software today (it came two days ago). So far I’m really liking it, that picture above is my first try with it and I have to say what took only a few minutes on the tablet would have been so much longer in analog life (draw on paper, fine-line, scan, clean up, close lines, color). As a get used to it I think I will get better, until a few weeks from now when the bottle neck stops being the tablet and starts being my artistic abilities.

The plan is to start drawing cartoons again as well as other schematical (not a word? oh well) things to make life a little more visual.

Side note: I think I’ll stop posting the FlatWorldReport here as there is no sense in double posting it every time, just goto the main site. I’m going to try to do some more writing (like the piece below) and get cartoons as well as idea shows flowing.

• For people that can fly is it a lot of work, like a constant push-up, or is it easy?
• It would suck to be able to fly without invincibility cus then people would just throw rocks at you till you fell (like I’m sure many children do to seagulls)

I think you’ll like this one, I’m happy with how it went. I believe it’s a step forward. (Which is something I have been sorely lacking recently)

This is the first edition of the idea show and I’m quite happy with it. Let me know what you think.

A few people mentioned that it went a bit long - true (maybe I should have cut a few out).

Something else I wish I mentioned in the video is SEND ME YOUR END OF THE WORLD POSE PHOTO to explosivo AT gmail DOT com and I’ll make a reel/vid of them. While I don’t think I have the following to get many but it would be fun to see other people’s poses or even do an end of the world shoot with more folks.

So yeah this is the idea show and I hope it will keep coming back, it was fun to make.

Revver Link

or watch it on youtube

Oh yeah, it’s here. (revver link)

Official Flat World Report Site

Watch it on YouTube

There are some jokes I tired that didn’t get a good laugh. I don’t know why I share the worst with you, but mostly I wanted to post to the blog in non video form but didn’t want to do any extra work.

Enjoy and relish in my misery.

Aim for the pie in the sky but if you were in the sky would you want pie, I’d be afraid of getting too heavy and falling through the cloud to my death - I don’t really think clouds can hold a lot of weight - hmm.. I wonder how fat(heavy) people deal with that, problem in heaven (taking it too far?)… that might sound like I’m making fun of fat people not so, bodybuilders, also screwed

It’s great that people pursue there dreams no matter how far fetched, because without them who would fail miserably, have missed the boat on education and take a job as a a Carine, or medical test subject, filling a valuable role in society. Seriously without failed actors, rockstars and comedians, who would buss tables, society would be crewed without us. Be thankful.

If urine as ammonia and ammonia is a sanitizer, then as a restaurant cook I think I should be required not to wash my hands, you do want clean food don’t you.

Meat quality should be judged based on original cuteness of the animal you’re eating, cow ok, but baby cow - viel, way better, naturally rabbits are even cutter, and tastier!

If you wanna know who the US will invade next then look at the color of the US on a map, then look for every other nation that’ the next target. Map makes know these things and plan ahead so we don’t need to replace our maps, nice guys. Or get an old map maybe ten yours old, you’ll notice the US is green, and hmm… so is iraq, and korea, and…. France?

Back in cave man times it would have been great to be the one non-religious guy in the tribe- they lay out a sacrifice for the goats of five goats and a virgin, you sneak back in the night and take it. If they think the sun is God, you sell them shiny rocks. Or maybe just to screw with them if there is only once source of water you go to the river and bless it, making it holy water so they can’t drink it.

Here are the latest two flat world reports, I know I haven’t done much regular blogging recently, sorry about that but I’ll get on it soon.

I’m also thinking about another video project called “The Idea” which will come into play over the holidays.

Anyways here are the videos. (If you click the link it will take you to the Revver page where you can also view them and grab the embed code to put the video on your site, blog, myspace ect)

Anti-Depresants Kill, Charity Scams & More FWR Headlines

Chewable Birth Control, Zune & Drug Payoffs: FWR Headlines

Here are some jokes I did yesterday that got groans of political incorrectness.

This is why I like exclaimable it was really easy for me to have that clip online.

FWR tomorrow hopefully, gonna revamp punch up and cut to two minutes/ep.

Okay so here we are to read the tales of my horrible bus luck today.

First, I am walking down to the bus near my house and I see it go by seconds before I get to the stop, I check my clock, it says 6:40 (so the bus was four minutes early). quickly I turn around and start running in the opposite direction to make the next transfer. This run lasts about 30 seconds, I continue for the next 10 minutes to do run/walk in intervals. Luckily I made it on time.

Next, I got to the Ladner exchange, saw a bus with my number, got on, sadly it went in the opposites direction (wrong name), I pulled the string, but we were on the highway so it didn’t stop for another 10 minutes. When it did I had to cross an overpass to get to the other side of the highway where I waited for a bus that would take me back to the exchange. Finally, I caught one, I get on, show my pass, and the driver says, “you’re in a new zone now, you have to pay an extra $1″, okay sure fine whatever, but all I have is a Tonnie, damn, I toss it in. The bus takes me back to the loop, and now I have a decision to make, do I wait for the next bus, by my estimate the bus ride is only like 10 minutes from here, surly I can walk it right? Wrong choice, I walked, and I walked, and I walked, apparently a bus on the highway goes many multiples the speed of me walking (and the occasional short sprint, but it’s hard to sprint with a backpack). So anyways it took me about 1h to walk leaving me at a loss to the bus by about 20 min and a ton of effort.

Oh and then on my way home I saw a bus where mine was supposed to be but the sign wasn’t lit yet, I got one becuase everything seemed to make sense. Then I noticed it seemed to have left 5 minutes early, strange, then it took a turn where it wasn’t supposed to, oh damn, I screwed up again. I had to get off and walk back to the bus stop and wait for my real bus.

This was one of the strangest days I’ve had in a while

It’s back and better than ever, let me know what you think.

Okay you know it’s a good week for me when twice I had to reprimand people for over-complementation. This will often occurs when I attempt bring my ego back to earth by saying something negative about myself, then somebody decided to try pumping me back up.

I won’t even pretend that that’s not enjoyable but still, I recognize that I have a slightly (or very) inflated sense of self worth, and this is in reality bad. So it’s to the point where by making me feel too good about myself, you could be doing me actual psychological harm.

OK and regarding the title I’m comparing stroking my ego to feeding a lion at the zoo. You know you’re not supposed to because in the end its a bad habit for the lion, but still, you do and for that, I thank you.

Now of course I’m sure anybody who read this thinks less of me, and I’m okay with that (but most things I say are in jest).

ps. I have new cartoon coming soon, but my sketch book is full so I need to buy a new one first

Technorati Tags: comedy, taddei, rant, humor, joke, Vancouver, comedian, ego, self-esteem, lions

I’ve interrupted myself from some creative writing homework to make this post while it is still fresh in my mind, and I figure this is kind of creative writing so I’m still on topic.

A friend of mine just called me and she was disappointed to hear the luck or excitement in my voice. I was of course happy to hear from her, and the lack of excitement can be explained by something else, which I call “Rocket Ship In The Frontyard Syndrome”.

You see I just recently got my cell phone and I am still getting used to it, so when I do get a call it is to say the least, noteworthy. To top that off the ring or vibrate from the phone always shoots my heart rate up from the surprise especially when I’m dwelling on something else, this sends me into further shock.

So here is my metaphor/analogy (I’m sure it’s one of those just not sure which). I equate getting an phone call to a rocket ship landing in my front yard. Would I be excited, hell yeah! But I would spend the first few minutes in shock, and dumbfounded, after a few minutes pass then I warm back up and my excitement/enthusiasm comes back.

So if you ever talk to me and I don’t sound happy to hear from you (unless I’m actually not happy to hear from you) you can safely blame RSFS (rocket ship frontyard syndrome)

I’m going to switch it up a little bit and post the cartoon above my rantings.

Okay so this one, oh man, is the art ever bad. Usually with something I don’t know how to draw well I will look at some photos and learn it, but I did this cartoon at school so didn’t have that luxury. To top that off it scanned in pretty bad, and by the time I noticed I was to committed to coloring and didn’t want to re-do it. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed it.

Sorry I haven’t been doing many cartoons, my focus has really been on standup recently. I got to perform the past three weeks and the next two, so yay I’m getting practice and trying to test new stuff as much as I can without bombing.

I do enjoy sitting, in fact I believe sitting in itself to be a legitimate pastime.

One problem I have always had with my sitting endeavours is the pain caused to me by my tailbone. If you’re sitting up straight then it makes very little difference but as soon as you go for a leaning back, *bam* tailbone catches and chair and my comfort ends.

I wonder if we will eventually evolve out of tailbones, for that matter is anyone sure we’re losing them? Have they been measuring over time to make sure the tailbone is the remnants of an old tail, and not the beginning of a new one?

I sure hope they go away, I now consider it a life goal to have my tailbone removed, it would make it easier to sit anywhere, and that would be nice.

So last night I didn’t have enough change for the bus (last night caries another story which I will share some other time, this is just one slice of the night), so I asked if anybody had change for a five sadly, they didn’t. But then it was kinda cool because the people at the stop rallied together and gave me about a buck fifty (actually I have no idea how much but it was between one and two dollars).

At the time I thought nothing of it besides of course being thankful.

This morning it hit me, had I been homeless and asked for money I would have been given the boot, or worse because I think asking for money at the bus stop counts as aggressive panhandling in Vancouver. But I wasn’t homeless I was a (mostly) respectable person who needed some change, the people who gave me the money could identify with my situation, rather than sympathy, they can have empathy, because “we’ve all been there”.

So what can be gathered from this well it’s a lesson in better begging, but first lets analogize.

We’ve all heard of stories where rich people would go and pretend to be homeless and beg for a living well I propose a reversal. Homeless people should pretend to be homefull (I do love the perks of running a dictionary).

Because you see we, or at least I am much more willing to give to someone who is like me. I have been in situations where I didn’t have change or something, lost my wallet maybe, all things we can identify with. Again the keyword, ‘identify’ because I don’t know what it’s like to need drug money, do I’ve had no bus fare and it really means a lot when someone helps me out.

I guess what I’ve just done is describe how to rape the goodwill of society.

So what is my call to action of you, well that depends:

If you want to make a buck, put on a suit, and go asking saying things like “bus fare” or “lost wallet”, and remember bus fare is pretty expensive sometimes you could make 5 dollars in one bus fare run. It’s key not look like a beggar, you must be stressed out, with an “oh no, what am I going to do” look on your face.

If you just want to help out some homeless people that spread the word about this superior begging technique, maybe buy a homeless guy a suit and shower so he can partake.

Site note: this would work really well in high tourism countries, the people begging there could pretend to be tourists who lost there wallet and they would surely net even more.

Okay so this occurred to me in conversation a while ago, and it basically outlines the benefits of twins.

Lets say you have an identical twin, and of course then you would have identical DNA. So it stands to reason that if the two of you team up become assassins you will be all but invincible. You see even if they have indisputable evidence that one of you was involved, they can’t prove between the two of you (one of the twins must make sure to have absolutely no involvement with the assassination) therefore there would be reasonable doubt. That is, they could prove it’s one of you but they can’t look you both up and there is no way to tell the difference.

But it gets better, you see what if you had a twin but lived in another country, think how much easier it would be to immigrate, only one of you needs to get approved, the other simply FedExs the passport back the the home country so twin number two can come over.

Then once you are both here the government will only know one of you exists, so again you become assassins. But whenever twin one (T1) is doing the assassination twin two (T2), makes the alibi.

So for example T1 goes and assassinates someone while T2 gets arrested for peeing in the middle of a shopping mall, or anything else menial, ensures fingerprinting snaring the perfect alibi. After-all what alibi is better than the police.

Note: I do not endorse assassinations, nor do I endorse twins. This is written without the intent of anyone executing it, and is meant in fun spirit. Finally please note that although I say this disclaimer in jest as well, I do mean it -ish.