The Mind Of A Moron

While watching a badly done presentation (not that I haven’t given any myself) it occurred to me how useful the ability to puke on command would be.

Here are the basic benefits:
1) Instant tension breaker
2) Easy to embarasse whoever was the focus of attention before you puked
3) A simple yet effective insult to people, sights, or cooking.

But here is the clincher (as long as nobody knows you can puke on command)

4) Nobody will be mad at you, because puking is supposed to be involuntary, so you get all the satisfaction of saying you suck, you’re ugly, or you smell, without any repercussions.

(doesn’t that look just look ugly 4 reasons, I didn’t even know things where allowed to have four reasons, I though every logical action had 3 reasons, well I guess I’ve proven myself wrong)

Clearly this is a valuable skill, something I hope to one day attain.

This is a real quick note, but the potential is huge.

I was thinking the covers for porn movies could be holograms, (quick guess at what would be animated). I’m sure if someone saw two movies one with a hologram preview and one without , well you can imagine which one would be picked.

If you know me you will understand that I am very protective of my ideas and incredibly IP conscious.

But sometimes I get ideas that are out of my means and I’ve decided why not share them with the world. Maybe someone can run with it (and if you can throw some cash my way please).

So here we go, my idea of the day:

I think we should be able to order coffee by color, the amount of cream and milk all affect the color of coffee differently and weak coffee is naturally lighter (and would need less cream to get to the desired taste and color). This is why it would work on many different coffees, no matter what kind of coffee you have once the desired color was reached it would taste good.

I figure they could embed these colors on a card (maybe even with your gift certificate) and it would be like taking a paint chip to the hardware store, you just give it to them and they match it up, and give you your drink.

So if you work in the coffee industry and what to be on the cutting edge or flavor technology this is for you, for everybody else, well I dunno.

So I know everybody is wondering why haven’t I been posting more, I’m sure you all want as much of my personality as possible (ok exaggerating a bit), and I just haven’t kept up to par.

Well here is the problem (and I have already explained this to some) I only have about 10 minutes of personality a week, that means if I see you only once or twice a week than that’s fine, there are enough fresh ideas in my mind to keep me going. But once I exceed 10 minutes of interaction with someone a week, there’s nothing new. That is basically the system I had in place and things were quite well balanced, life was good.

But, I then starting this blogging business, well now people read my stories before I see them in person, this erodes my weekly 10 minutes of personality. This leave me with nothing new to say to people and I just sit in silence more than ever, if I start to tell a story I often get a “yeah I read about it”.

So in short I will continue to share on this blog I just want everyone to realize the sacrifice I make in the hope that you can laugh to yourself about how moronic I am.

Okay so it was snowing today, snow in November I know, “scary”.

I had a two hour break so naturally I decided to build snowmen in the courtyard. Things where going well I built a nice big snow man (maybe 5′8″) and the cafe gave me carrots and other vegetable matter to give him a face. In addition to this I ripped some branched off a tree for arms. I even gave the big one face on each side so everybody could see him.

I then made a little one but it broke before I finished, so I made another rather small one at the other end of the courtyard (which is the one still standing in the picture).

Well proud of myself, I decided to go find people to whom I could exclaim my joy, and I was gone not 5min when I arrived back to find my snowmen vandalized. The big one was smashed up (see pic, only the bottom survives).

The little one however had suffered a much more crewel fate, he was salted, that’s right salt packages all over him. Obviously a torturous attempt to melt him.

First thing I did was go CSI on the scene, I ran out there and checked for foot prints (assuming someone kicked the snowman done) to no avail.

Well maybe people just dont understand that I like my snowmen alive, an honest mistake?

I then took two sheets of paper and wooden coffee stir sticks, I attached a piece of paper to each snowman.

The base of the large broken snowman had a note that read “I will have my revenge”. The small snowman who was still alive but suffering dearly from the salt packets had a note that read, “Please Don’t Kill Me”.

I wasn’t about to let the smaller guy die so I pulled a stakeout, and watched from the window, sadly I got into a conversation and was distracted, that’s when he fell.

It could have been a person or just the breaking point after those evil salt packets.

Anyways that’s the end, and this is my story of the day.

The video does have crappy sound but it was hard to get a reasonable size.

So here is an mp3 of it for you’re enjoyment
http://www.themindofamoron.com/stephentaddei.mp3

Okay so I did my first standup thing, and here it is let me know what you think

http://themindofamoron.com/finalsteve.mov

Okay well I want to post regularly but I’ve nothing new to say, so here is what I’m going to do, post things that I haven’t perfected, were just pathetic, or things I didn’t think would work, along with a few that I just never got a chance to try out.

So rather than this being what didn’t make that cut, this is what hasn’t yet (or never will) make the ‘tryouts’ actually this has one that I tried and didn’t work, the drinking one.

I got fired from 7-11 for sexual harassment, I was just reading the oh… henry bar. OR for picking up Baby Ruths

On the plus side you don’t have a hangover when you die of alcohol poisoning.

I don’t know why we’re told not to stick our fingers in outlets, as far as I’m concerned what’s good enough for Einstein is good enough for me.

Religion has been a source of conflict in the world since well the beginning of time, and you know the crappy thing, somebody is probably right so 4 or 5 billion people are going to be wrong.

The stranger part is that there are many intertwined bits between religions, for example, of the major religion many share the same holy city, what is this a freaking coincidence, are was there just some dis-agreement at the beginning of time.

“Yeah, you know what I know we all believe in the same God, but you don’t wanna eat pork and I only eat fish on Fridays, so yeah, we’re enemies, you set up on that side of the street I’ll set up on this.”

Islam even recognizes Jesus as an important prophet, well what was he the lying prophet, everyone has their flaws and Jesus just happened to be the prophet who lied about being Gods son.

I had an argument (well maybe a discussion) with my brother over the difference between creepy and scary.

This is how I see it, things are creepy until it happens to me, at which point it become scary.

Here are some examples.

I read in the paper that someone was chased with a knife, this creeps me out, if later that day I find out I am being chased with a knife I am now scared.

Does that make sense, it does to me.

Another example if your classic creepy old man who lives down the street, hes creepy until he tried to sodomize you, and again, creepy becomes scary.

Anyways I’m just throwing it out there, what do you think?

Well this is what didn’t turn out this week, I enjoyed the 2nd one but alas oh well. My set is between 4 and 5 min and we do our showcase at Zesty’s Restaurant on Nov 23. If anyone is interested let me know and I’ll give you more details.

Reverse psychology is the one tool even the worst of parents have at their discretion, so why do so many of them mess it up.
*Act Quotes* “Don’t Look At The Sun” well what was the first thing we all did when we heard that, yup, burnt the hell out of our retina.

Why do smokers always need to ask for a light, do they put their cigarettes in their pocket look at their lighter and say you know what, no, I don’t need that, maybe they’ll light themselves this time

By the time I finished this I can’t say I’m all to proud of it, but oh well by the time I had fine-lined it I was to committed to back down.

How do they get hit I don’t know, it seems there are a lot of dumb animals out there. But what can I say, it’s a hell of a lot easier to pick on dumb animals than dumb people.

So here is what didn’t get laughs this week, I actually really liked these three so was kinda sad. Oh well in the future I hope to resurrect a lot of these into working ones. Soon I will also post a didn’t make the cut list, of (some of the) things I have written but decided to to try out.

Without further ado here you go:

Something I have been wondering for quite a while is do penguins taste more like fish, or chicken. Sure they are birds, but on the other hand they a slick looking, spend a lot of time in the water, and eat fish, as they say you are what you eat.
And for that matter if you wanted to catch a penguin what would work better a rifle or a fishing rod?

S: I went to a nutritionist and you know what she said, “you are what you eat”
P: said slowly and unsurely so [I’m spoused to][you’re saying I] eat,.. people?

S: I haven’t been at my computer all day and I think I’m going into withdrawal. After so long without email I could be missing out on something.
P: What if for example I’ve one some fantastic prize and all I need to claim it is give some unknown Zimbabwean company my credit card info.
P: Or worse, I’ve been notified that there is a 24hour limited time sales on penis enlargers, and I must act now!

I read in the paper today that the Bay received a buyout offer it was for something around 500 million dollars. The article also went on to say how the Bay’s profits are a little less than 60 million per year.

This has gotta be one of the biggest corporate fuckups ever, we’re talking about a company who used to OWN HALF OF CANADA, and now they own 500 failing department stores.

If the Bay has played their cards right there would be a country named after them, and they would remain a permanent dictator.

So here is what didn’t work this week, (it’s called the third one cus last post was two weeks combined).

The first two I completely accept they were forced and corny, kinda wish the third has worked but I got a bunch of other good stuff this week so I’m happy. Sadly all I show now is filler.

S: In an effort to be healthy I’ve started drinking a lot of water since it has 0 calories.
P: And here’s a little tip, throw in some Cool-Aid powder and it goes down way easier.

S: And I don’t eat white bread anymore either.
P: I’m always sure to make sure it’s covered with deliciously brown Nuttela.

S: It occurred to me that I have never followed through on a New Years resolution, not once. Well it’s time things changed.
P: I think I’ve beat the system, this year I resolve to sleep in, become obese, and to be an absolute dick to everyone. hehehe I’d like to see any of those things happen now.

Well I have 4 new cartoons that most people havent seen so I will post them here:

Okay so here’s the deal I’m taking a comedy class and what I’m going to do is post the things that didn’t seem to work for the world to see.

Some of it I might re-work, but this is what when tried in front of the class only got stares.

How do fish get caught, it’s not like we’re tricking them into thinking a worm on a hook is something else…”Oh look, a worm, floating unnaturally in the water, with a hook in it……Tasty”…”Oh, oh God, what the hell it was a trap, how could I have known…”

Every once in a while there is talk of people stealing from charities, but I don’t know how they do it, [it’s not like you can][you cant] just slip those giant sized donation checks in your back pocket and walk out the door.

I asked an attendant at Home Depot for some “weed killer”. Well I didn’t exactly get what I was looking for, but who’s complaining…freakin dyslexics.

Everywhere I go I see union signs saying “Honk To Show Support”
What are they trying to trick us into supporting them. When was the last time you honked because someone was doing something that made you happy. I’m honking because I’m pissed off, and don’t you try and twist it into anything else.

At some point in our lives we all deal with a shady operation. Me, I was trying to but some firecrackers, and you know what the first thing the guy asked me was, “Are you a cop”…
What do they expect me to say? “Well, I’m kinda undercover so I wasn’t gonna say anything, but since you asked nicely, yes, I am”

I get that we Europeans pretty much raped this country for all it has, but do we have to be so proud of that and commemorate the things we have destroyed by making them national symbols.
“Attention Canada, we have whipped out the mighty beaver, and will commemorate this grand day by putting him on our coins”

So yeah I donno, if something there is worth reviving let me know.

Something that I started to wonder while brainstorming is, do they make obese crash test dummies?

I’ve only ever seen skinny ones, but surely there must be obese ones, where are those hidden away. After all with obesity being almost the norm in the US (and probably the world) they must have dummies that actually test out how safe a car is for the “average” person.

I would imagine that a heavy folk put a lot more strain on things like seat belts, and hit the dash harder, so there must be different safety considerations for them.

Most of all I just want to know what a 350lb dummy would look like.

The main reason I never post is because I forgot my password, it took my a good 1/2hour to get it reset today. But mostly I really never have anything that goes here, most of what I do turns out to be something that doesn’t go here, maybe I will one day have something to blog about.

Until that time I guess it is important that every once in a while I put something there so that I can feel as if this isn’t abandoned, and how can I tell others they don’t blog enough if I don’t at least make a token effort to do so.

And now my obligation to post is here.

Now I feel like one of those loser blogers that writes stupid self indulgent posts that don’t even offer marginal entertainment then expects the world to read them.

And I did get 13 visitors last week so to them I apologize.

I got a cardboard cut today, as far as I’m concerned this is a new and fantastic discovery, it has also taken a toll on the respect I used to have for cardboard.

I put a band aid on it, but I’m not really sure if I need one or if I just put it on so people will ask how I cut myself then I can shock them by saying “with a box”.